Raised by the Winchesters, how cool is that?
by geeves
Summary: Continuation from oneshot 'No Plan 'B'.
1. Chapter 1

Alright so I wrote this one-shot a little while ago called No Plan 'B' and the kid, Cody, kind of stayed stuck in my head... and I started wondering how he'd feel about growing up with the Winchester boys... So I started writing and this is what it turned into. I'm still working on it and I'm still not real sure I like the way its turning out so any feedback sent my way would be _really _appreciated.

I still don't own Supernatural or the Winchester boys...they just like to take long leisurely strolls through my over active imagination every once in a while... What's that? Kripke and CW want them back? Aww! Alright, they can have the tall scruffy haired one but the sexy belligerent one stays with me, muahaha! (just kidding...really :P)

So here's Cody with his ten year old POV on past events and growing up with the Winchesters.

* * *

**_Chapter One_**

My Uncles are the coolest guys in the universe. Don't tell anyone… but they're hunters! It's kind of a family business. Oh, not hunters the way most people would think. They don't go after bear, or deer or anything like that. Nope they hunt spirits and vampires and _demons_. I mean, how awesome is that!

Tonight they're out working so I'm staying with Auntie Missouri. She makes the most awesome cookies I've ever tasted. Her house always smells sweet… I think it's because she's always baking stuff for Uncle Dean. Auntie Missouri is always picking on him but deep down I know it's just because she loves him so much. That's why there are always lots of homemade freshly-baked sweets whenever we come over. She'd never tell him of course (Oh, sweetheart, that boys' head is already so swollen he would never make it through the door if he knew… so don't you dare say a word to him Cody!) Auntie Missouri is funny that way. I like it when she threatens to whack him with her mixing spoon.

When I was six years old my mom met Uncle Dean at the police station where she worked. He was pretending to be an officer from out-of-state looking for information on missing persons in the area. The way _he _tells it mom fell in love with him the very second she looked up at him. Uncle Dean has a pretty strong ego. I tend to lean towards Uncle Sammy's version… where she made him work for it a little. Made him move past the pick up lines and charming smiles that work so well for him and straight into the gentleman that hides somewhere underneath all that.

So Mom let Uncle Dean take her out for a coffee when he was all done with his research and he kind of grew on her so she invited him over to our house for dinner. That's when he met me. I _did _fall in love with him the first second I saw him.

She always used to make a huge deal out of people coming to dinner. The tablecloth would come out and her good dishes. There would be little appetizers and the smell of coffee would waft through the house all night. Having people over for dinner was always exciting. Mom called those dinners honorary special occasions.

When she picked me up from daycare and told me that we were having someone over for supper I got really excited. As soon as we got home I went straight to my bedroom and watched the cars go by outside from my window to see if I could guess which one it would be. I must have sat there a good hour and a half.

I could hear the car coming from three streets over. It sounded like thunder… I was actually a little scared by the sound…until I saw the big, shiny black car turn the corner onto our street. Now, you have to understand: Mom and I lived in the suburbs where the fanciest cars you got to see were mini-vans and family sedans. The only muscle cars I'd ever seen until then had been Hot Wheels. They were always my favorite. To see a real live Hot Wheels car park itself in our driveway was a fantasy come true.

When uncle Dean got out of his car he just kind of stood there. He too, was like a fantasy come to life. He was huge. Larger than life. The guy looked like he could knock down a brick wall just by looking at it and yet… he looked completely lost. It didn't take a genius to tell that he was completely out of his league. I watched him stand there a minute and look the house over. Our eyes met through my window. I think he probably heard me giggle. He looked funny when he was surprised. Got to give the guy credit though… he recovered quickly. A gi-normous grin split across his face and he waved at me. That's when Mom knew that he had arrived. I was a bit of a squealer when I was little… and that's exactly what I did as I raced down the stairs toward the front door.

He barely made it through the door and I was soaring through the air from the bottom of the stairwell and right at him. The guy didn't even blink, just caught me mid air and swung me around wildly making me laugh so hard I had tears in my eyes. I was definitely impressed. Like I said, love at first sight. I liked the warm look he gave my Mom too.

I didn't know it yet, but I was about to adopt my very own Ghostbuster.


	2. Chapter 2

"Mommy, mommy! You didn't tell me you invited a real life Hot Wheels racer for supper! Can I have a ride in your car?"

"Well, that's because Mr. Winchester isn't a hot wheels racer. He's a State Trooper."

"Whoa there. None of this Mr. Winchester stuff. Call me Dean. That other guy is my dad."

That got giggles all around.

"Dean, Dean! Come and see _my _hot wheels cars. I have one just like yours!! It's my _favorite_!"

He and Mom shared a look as I held my breath, waiting for his answer and hoping it would be yes.

"Sorry Dean. I guess I should have warned you about Cody. We don't have company very often so he gets pretty excited when new people come to visit."

When I grow up I want to smile at girls the way Uncle Dean does. I'd never seen _anyone_ smile at mom that way. It made her look at him all funny. _Good_ funny.

"Nah, don't worry about it Rhea. Hey, Cody I'd love to take a look at those cars of yours. Maybe you can take _me_ for a ride." He set me down and rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Okay buddy, where's your garage?"

I couldn't stop laughing. "I don't _have_ a garage silly! I'm just a kid!"

He looked genuinely surprised. "You don't?" He was playing with me already… it was great! "Well then… where do you keep your cars? Oh my God! Don't tell me you leave them outside… oh, the things that does to the paint!" He was totally catering to me, working my imagination. This guy might act tough, but he was made to be around kids… he just didn't know it yet.

Uncle Dean wasn't like any adult I'd ever met before. I knew right away that Mom liked him too. A whole lot. She made _Lasagna_ for supper. That was a special supper for _real_ special occasions. Like when Gran and Gramps came to visit. Though they hadn't done that in a real long time. Not since right after Dad went to heaven.

He didn't look like a State Trooper. Or any other kind of police officer I'd ever seen before. No, he looked like a superhero in disguise like from my comic books. Wow! I might have Superman… or better yet _Spiderman_ in my house. I'd have to keep an eye on this guy in case he tried to sneak away and fight evil while he was here. They were always fighting montsters and stuff. Mom wouldn't like that much. Plus superheroes tended to lose their friends and girlfriends a lot because of stuff like that. I wanted this guy and his Hot Wheels car to come back again. Soon. _A lot._

Mom meant well, but when she made supper she made salad. My favorite had always been the garlic bread. I never, ever liked the salad and I always tried to find ways to sneak it into the garbage when she wasn't looking.

Well, with Dean there it was easy. He sure was distracting her well enough. She didn't even notice me sneaking away from the table… until I was right by the sink, ready to dump the salad in the garbage.

"Cody, you get your behind back to this table this instant. And bring that salad with you. You need your veggies to grow up big and strong." Aw! Caught in the act… and now I'd _actually_ have to _eat_ it too!

I dragged my feet all the way back, complaining the whole way. "But _Mommy! _You _know_ I don't like veggies. They're for rabbits like Bugs Bunny. Kids eat _junk food_." Mom was amazing. Most parents would get upset over comments like that. Not _my_ Mom. Nope. My mom just laughed and called me a silly goose. She was awesome. "Vegetables help little boys grow up to be big, strong men. You want to grow up to be big and strong don't you baby?" "I guess…" She still didn't have me convinced. "Junk food does not turn little boys into super heroes little man."

That's when Dean winked at me. I knew that look. It's the look _I _got when I was up to no good. It was _mischief_. For the whole rest of dinner, every time I took a bite of my salad, he snuck me some M&M's under the table.

Hot Wheels, Super Heroes and M&M's? This guy was a _keeper_. I didn't want to let him leave!


	3. Chapter 3

Mom invited Dean to come back for supper the next night but he said no… Said he had to work. I could tell it was superhero business just from the way he looked away when he answered her. Superman and Spiderman always look away when they're making up excuses for having to chase after bad guys and miss out on stuff with their families and friends. Dean was looking out at his car… when he turned back to mom again he looked real sad. Whatever it was he was fighting, it was _bad._

I was supposed to be in bed. I _tried_ to sleep… I really did. But I just _couldn't_! Instead I sat by my window playing quietly with my cars. Dean stayed really late… it was nice because I could hear him and mom talking quietly in the living room. It reminded me of when Dad was still around.

Then I heard the front door close quietly. Dean was leaving. I watched him walk over to his car, turn and look at the house again just like when he first arrived. This time though he didn't look lost… he looked sad. Like he was saying goodbye or something. I waved to him from my window hoping he would see me and cheer up a little… and he did.

Looking up he smiled the biggest smile _ever_ and lifted a finger to tell me to wait a minute before going back to bed. I watched him climb in to his huge black car and roll down his window so he could stick his head out and watch my reaction as he turned the key. Suddenly it wasn't a car anymore… it was a beast waking up. He revved the engine to make it roar and the sound sent shivers down my spine. Not the scary kind, the good kind.

Then I saw him duck his head and send a sheepish smile towards the front door. I think mom must have been checking what the noise was to make sure everything was all right. Still, he looked up at me again long enough to grin and wave before pulling out and driving away.

When I finally did crawl back under the covers it was with a smile on my face and my little black Hot Wheels Impala in my fist. That guy was the coolest!

I knew an awful lot about superheroes. Enough that I honestly didn't think we'd ever see him again.

Boy was I wrong.

It was morning and mom was trying to get me ready for daycare and school. I was tired and cranky from staying up so late and I didn't want to put my shoes on. Mom was frazzled and cranky too… I couldn't figure out why…Maybe she'd stayed up past her bedtime too?

"Cody, put your shoes on will you? We're going to be late."

"I don't wanna go to school Mommy. Can't we stay home today?"

"No sweetheart. Mommy has to go to work… just like you have to go to school. Now put your shoes on it's almost time to go."

"But I _don't wanna go_!" I really, really didn't. Just wanted to stay home and cuddle with her in front of the T.V.

"Cody, you put those shoes on this instant or so help me I will put them on you myself." Mom's voice was getting loud. That wasn't good. When mom raised her voice she was really upset. That didn't happen often. I didn't like the way it felt to know that I was the one who made her that way. I just wanted to give her a big hug and tell her I was sorry… and I was going to… until we were both startled by the roaring car in the driveway. Dean was back!!!

He was pulling a really tall, guy with dark hair out of the passenger side of his car. Neither of them looked good. There was dirt all over their clothes… Dean was pale and tired looking… the guy he brought with him had really pink cheeks like I do when I have a fever.

"My _God_ Dean, what's wrong? Who is this? What happened to you two?" Mom was pumping out the questions as they stumbled through the door. I might only have been six… but _I _knew what had happened. They were in a fight with a monster or a villain and they got hurt… or at least the tall guy did.

""We were, ah, working… and, uh, things got a little… rough." She was following him as he practically dragged the giant shaggy guy into the living room and carefully lowered him onto the couch

"I can _see _that." Now Mom didn't get upset much… but when she did… she _really_ got mad. She gave him this look… but she might as well have asked him if he was crazy. I think she was going to start yelling at him, but then the big guy moaned real loud. "Dean… I'm going to need a toilet… or a bowl… or something…"

Uncle Dean looks really silly when he panics.

"Whoa, easy tiger. You're not ralphing all over the furniture. Let's haul your butt to the bathroom…" That's when I decided that Dean was probably Superman. I've never seen anyone move so fast before… and that guy he was carrying had to weigh a _ton!_ Plus, whatever they'd been doing last night… he came out of it without a scratch. Maybe he could fly too…? Imagine the piggy-back rides…heehee!

"Dean…? Is he going to be alright?"

Dean was holding the guy so he wouldn't fall into the toilet.

"He will if I have anything to say about it."

He was pulling the guy's shirt up and off him… and there were big ugly bruises around his tummy… (This guy was probably Spiderman then… no invincibility)

"Damn it Sammy! You really got yourself beat to hell this time, didn't you?"

And that's when Mom shoo-ed me off to my room.

"Hey, could I get a wet towel or something… I need to get him cleaned up." Dean called out to my mom from the bathroom.

"I'm getting one now… you think while you're cleaning him up you can find your way to explaining to me exactly what happened… and while you're at it maybe you can tell me why you thought coming here like this was a good idea?" _Come on_ Mom. He was fighting monsters all night… give the guy a break!

"Sure… uh, what do you want to know?"

"How about the truth this time? Since I know you're not a State Trooper."

Uh oh, Dean blew it. Superheroes are not supposed to reveal their secret identities.

"…The truth…?" He didn't know what to say. I don't think he was used to being found out.

"Yeah. The truth. All of it."

I've been on the road with Uncle Sam and Uncle Dean for four years now… I know how important it is to keep what we do a secret from most people. Even back then I sort of knew… kids just know that kind of stuff. I'll never really be sure what it was that made him answer mom the way he did. I always knew she was special…

"Okay. I'll tell you. But if it's the truth you want… then I, uh, think you'd better call in sick to work today Rhea. It's gonna take awhile."

Mom was something special to Uncle Dean too…


	4. Chapter 4

The greatest thing about being little is that it's easy to sneak around without being noticed. I had to be there when Dean and Mom sat down to talk. I mean, it's not everyday a superhero reveals his powers… and that he was doing it with _my _mom? No kid in their right mind would want to miss something like _that_.

It took them awhile to get the big shaggy guy cleaned up and in a bed. I heard Dean call the guy Sammy… though he didn't seem to be too happy about it. Sam, Sammy? Why did he care when he was in such rough shape? Then Dean called him 'little brother'. Well, that just blew me away. They were family…like the Incredibles! Wow… I wish _I _was part of a superhero family! Maybe they needed a sidekick…You know, to warn them when the bad guys were coming.

It was funny watching Dean tuck the blankets in around sleeping Sam just like Mom did for me at night. Maybe if I asked him nicely enough he'd do it for me too? Took a minute for him to be satisfied with the tuck job… I heard Sam sleepily tell him to lay off. Dean just laughed and patted his leg. Then he and Mom went down to the kitchen after to 'talk'.

I already was totally in love with uncle Dean… I wasn't so sure about uncle Sam yet. I mean, all I'd seen of the guy so far had been bruises, puking and sleeping. Didn't seem like he was much of a hero… babies could do most of that stuff. So, I tiptoed into the room Mom and Dean had put him in and woke him up. Didn't take much… turned out the guy was wicked ticklish. I rubbed a finger on his fuzzy arm and his eyes popped wide open. Steady, warm and comforting even in the messed up shape he was in. The guy was growing on me already.

"Hey, Cody right?" he whispered quietly. I just nodded. Couldn't believe he knew my name. Did the guy read minds or something? He looked like he was going to say more, but ended up taking a couple of deep breaths instead. " 'Z'it hurt real bad?" I asked carefully. It really must have because he just barely nodded his head. "Mommy has some cream stuff she puts on my ouches when I get hurt and it always makes the hurting go away… I could go get some if you want."

I couldn't believe it when he actually smiled. "That's okay Cody. Thanks kiddo…but I think I just need a little sleep. It'll feel a lot better when I wake up." Had to give the guy points for bravery. Maybe _his _special power was fast-healing? Man, these two were hard to figure out. "Oky doky. Wanna teddy bear to cuddle with? I have a teddy that I sleep with every night...an' I cuddle him whenever I get hurt…an' it _always_ makes me feel better." What? _Somebody_ had to take care of these guys… they obviously weren't doing that great a job on their own. Besides… I firmly believed that _everybody_ should have a teddy. They make everything all right.

"I know what you mean. I used to have a teddy when I was little too. Sure munchkin, that's a great idea." So I stifled the excited squeal that would most certainly have given me away to mom and Dean and ran to my room. Sam was in rough shape… he'd need a special bear to make him feel better… and I knew just the one for the job: _my _teddy.

I picked him up from his honorary spot on my pillow. "Teddy, there's a superhero here and he needs your help. He's hurt, and he needs to feel better. I just know you'll make everything alright for him… just like you do me." Then I hugged him close and ran back to Sam.

He was already sleeping… which was good because I needed to get downstairs and find out what was going on with mom and Dean. But before I left I crept over to the bed, placed teddy under Sam's arm and did what mommy used to for me when I was sick. I brushed some of his shaggy brown hair away from his forehead and kissed it gently. He just smiled, hugged teddy close and started snoring. Good, he was better already.

* * *

"Well? I'm waiting. You'd better have a damned good excuse for lying to me." 

Wow! Mom used a bad word… she really must be mad.

"You're not going to like it Rhea. Hell, you probably won't even believe it."

"Yeah, well that's my decision to make isn't it? What are you waiting for? Try me."

Dean looked scared. I couldn't understand why though. Sure she was mad, but all he had to do was give her a big hug and kiss and say he was sorry to make her smile again. Mom was great that way.

"Alright, fine. But don't say I didn't warn you."

"Oh, just spit it out already Dean."

"Sam and I hunt things for a living…" he started cautiously

"That's it? That's the big secret? You're hunters. Then why lie to me, flash fake ID and dig into classified case information? Did the deer you were stalking knock over a convenience store or something?" Wow, mom was turning pink… and that thing she said about the deer… I almost peed my pants I wanted to laugh so hard.

"Because we don't hunt deer, or bear…or any other type of animal…we, uh, hunt ghosts. Well, okay, not _just _ghosts. Spirits, demons, boogeymen…you know what a wendigo is?" He looked up and asked her hopefully. She floored him with a glare. "Huh, no I guess you wouldn't."

"So what? I'm supposed to believe you're some sort of _ghostbuster?_ I mean seriously Dean! _If _that's even your real name."

"Yeah, uh, it's Dean alright… Dean Winchester… and my brother is Sam."

"You know what Dean? I think you'd better go… take a drive or something and come back to pick up Sam later when he's feeling better. I don't want you around Cody and I really need to calm down before we finish this conversation."

No!!! She couldn't send Dean away! It all made sense now… that was why I couldn't figure out their superpowers… they were ghostbusters!!! That was even more awesome than I thought! I had to act fast… if she made him leave now they might never come back.

So I went running into the kitchen and latched on to Dean's leg. "DeanDeanDeanDeanDean!!! Spiderman is on TV. You promised you'd watch it with me! Come on, come watch it with me Dean!" I wasn't sure it would work… Mom was pretty wound up and she wasn't a push over like most adults were. But then Dean looked down at me and then shrugged helplessly at mom. I could tell he _wanted _to say yes, but he was going to leave the answer up to mom. Smart guy my uncle Dean.

When mom nodded her head Dean picked me up and balanced me on his hip. "Sure Cody, lead the way." Woohoo!!! It worked! Now all mom had to do was calm down a little and _she'd _see how totally awesome this was _too_.

"Thanks for saving my butt kiddo." Dean whispered to me as I led him down the hall.  
"Well, _somebody_ had too. Even ghostbusters need help sometimes, right?" That's when his deep rumbling laugh became my favorite sound in the universe.


	5. Chapter 5

_So I'm really sorry it's been so long since I've updated this story of Cody's...thanks so much for the wonderful reviews by the way! I'm really glad you all like little Cody so much. _

_This next chapter is partly Cody, and partly Dean and Rhea. I really like the format I had going where he was telling the story but this bit refused to come out any other way... so let me know if it turned out as well as the rest okay? _

_Enjoy and please review... love the feedback. Helps shape the story and make it better :)_

* * *

Mom spent most of the morning in the kitchen after that. It's how she deals with stuff she can't fix… by baking. Like when I was three, when Dad went away to heaven. She made so many cookies and muffins and stuff that there wasn't any room left in the cupboards for anything else. She made a lot of noise at first… banging cupboard doors closed and tossing stuff into the sink…

Uncle Sam actually woke up and poked his head into my room where Dean and I were playing with my cars again. "'S'all that noise 'cause of you Dean?" Apparently he got into trouble like this a lot because Sam wasn't at all surprised. Just kind of annoyed… and it looked like he found it a little funny too.

Uncle Dean is real good at not hearing stuff when he doesn't want to…he just kept pushing my little Impala car around the track we'd made out of my blocks. "How's the stomach? Feeling better?" he asked Sam gruffly. "Still hurts like hell, but I'll live. I'm getting a little hungry actually." Good think Mom was downstairs 'cause she would have just got madder. We weren't allowed to use bad words in the house… at least not unless it was what Mommy called a 'really big 'ception.'

"Really? Can't say I'm surprised. If you're willing to risk your life I think Rhea might be baking down there. Can't promise you'll come out of it with all your parts though… she's pretty pissed I lied to her… and I, uh, told her the truth but she doesn't believe me so it's not helping things any."

"Um… and by 'the truth' you would mean…?"

"About the hunting."

"…"

Uncle Sam was speechless. I didn't know it yet but that wasn't exactly something that happened a lot. Then there was a loud crash in the kitchen and a really big growl from Mom.

"Dude, what exactly did you say to the woman?"

"I told her we were hunters…sort of…and that what we hunt is ghosts, spirits and evil supernatural stuff…"

There was another loud crash and Uncle Sam let out a big deep breath. "And that's all you said?"

"Okay, I guess I didn't help myself any when I asked her if she knew what a wendigo was…"

"Oh for the…! Man, you really know how to dig yourself into it don't you?"

"Yeah, well. I'm not usually around long enough for stuff like this to come up. Call it inexperience."

"Dean, we're lucky she didn't call the cops on us or something."

"Oh, Mommy wouldn't do _that_. She likes Dean too much."

Um, what? Suddenly they were both staring at me as if I'd revealed the secret to the Caramilk bar or something. It's not like it wasn't obvious or anything. I mean, she'd made lasagna for him for crying out loud!

Dean…well, he was in shock. His eyes were all wide and his mouth was open and he looked like he was going to say something but that the words got stuck somewhere in his throat. Sam started laughing. Not loud, and just a little 'cause it still hurt him to. He was finding the whole Mom and Dean thing _really _funny.

* * *

Damage control was what Sam had called it. "Go down there Dean. Sit down in the kitchen and give her the opportunity to react to this stuff you said earlier." Apparently this was supposed to be a good thing. A way to work through the shock of it all. Right.

So far he'd been sitting for all of three minutes and all she'd done was mix batter and ignore his presence at the table. Huh. Well obviously this chic didn't know him very well because ignoring Dean was pretty much impossible.

Heaving a deep frustrated sigh he got to his feet and strode right past her toward the coffee maker. "Where do you keep the filters?" She could ignore the problem. God knows he wanted to do the same. He'd be damned if she was going to ignore _him _though. "In the cupboard in front of your face." Well, now it was Dean's turn to ignore the fact that she'd snapped at him. "Coffee grinds in there too?" As if it were the most normal thing in the world. "Yeah." There was a really loud clatter as the wooden spoon she'd been mixing with went soaring three feet into the sink along with a number of other things.

Dean arched a brow at her back as she started to spoon batter onto a baking sheet. "Rhea?" God he hoped that didn't come out as unsure as it sounded.

"What?" She didn't blink, didn't even bother looking at him. Just went on spooning the cookie dough onto the sheet.

"I… uh. I'm sorry I lied to you." Rhea just stopped everything she was doing. Spoons dropping with a clatter to the counter.

"So would that be for the name? The state trooper stuff? Or maybe the ghostbuster thing? Because I have to say, there isn't much that hasn't been a lie so far so I want to make sure we're _perfectly _clear on this one."

Dean's shoulders fell. "For all of it. Well, everything except the hunting stuff…That's real. Yeah, we're _hunters_ not ghostbusters." Good god, the woman didn't budge. Anger flickered dangerously in her eyes.

"I should never have come back here. Never do usually…" he mumbled, more to himself than for Rhea's benefit. Turning away to face the coffee pot he missed the subtle softening around her mouth, the shift from anger to…something else that wasn't quite understanding…yet.

"Why _did_ you come here?"

"Last night? Well, honestly… I don't really know. When I laid eyes on you yesterday…well let's just say I was flirting out of habit. Do that a lot, you know? Then when I got what I needed well, I didn't want to leave. There was just something about you… I wanted _more._ 'Course, stupid me I thought it had to do with scratching an itch…"

The coffee machine gurgled noisily as he cleared his throat. She probably figured him to be some sort of 'girl in every town' type of shameless flirt. It was true of course… but this was different somehow.

"Anyway… there was coffee. And, well taking you out like that. Getting to know you and all your stories about Cody and everything… and then the dinner invitation. I couldn't say no any more than I could rip my own arm off. I _wanted _to come and I know that was selfish of me because I knew we'd be leaving in the morning… but… I needed more of you. Something to help me get through everything… and if a few stolen hours was all I was going to get. Hell, I wasn't gonna pass them up."

"What… what was it you two were hunting last night then?"

The question took him by surprise. That much she could tell when he looked over his shoulder at her and cleared his throat again. "A ghost. Pretty nasty one." He was pulling a couple of mugs out of the cupboard now just to have something to do to hide the annoying shake he couldn't control in his hands.

"Did you… Is it gone now?"

"Yeah. It's gone."

"How did you two…?"

"That Peter guy I was looking into? Turns out he was what was causing all those accidents out on I90. We, uh, had to dig up his bones… and… salt and burn them. He won't be bothering anyone else ever again."

"…and Sam?" hesitating briefly "how did he get hurt? What happened?"

"Well, most of the time the things we hunt fight back. Hasn't been a case yet where we haven't been attacked by casper while digging up his grave… This one decided to pick on Sam. Threw him into some pretty solid headstones and when that didn't slow him down the damn thing started pummeling him with one of our shovels. Lucky for Sam I'm quick with the salt and a lighter 'cause it only got the chance to get a couple of good whacks in before I was done.

"So, why did you come back this morning? You said you never usually do…"

There was something shining in her eyes now. Something he didn't dare try to name, just in case he was wrong about what it was. Try as he might he couldn't look at her. Damned if he wasn't about to tell her exactly how he felt… he sure as hell wasn't going to watch her expression turn from that nameless thing to pity… or anger again while he did it. So carefully choosing an interesting spot on the wall just past the curve of her shoulder he opened his mouth and out came the honesty she'd demanded without actually saying the word.

"Be… uh…cause I couldn't face another empty motel room, another nerve wracking few hours of taking care of Sam all beaten up hoping he's okay and trying hard to make him believe he is… because you were here with Cody… because I needed to feel like everything was going to be okay and I hadn't felt that in a really long time until I came here last night." _Because it felt like coming home and who am I to turn away from that?_

"God… it sounds so awful. Living life like that. Hunting."

A whisper gentle against his ear as she wrapped her arms around his waist. There wasn't pity there…what was that? Not sadness…empathy? Reassurance maybe?

This… this feeling was new to him.

The woman before him: Rhea…she was something else. The girl had lost just about everything that ever meant anything to her except for Cody. She'd asked him for the truth about his life and once the initial shock had worn off she'd wanted details. Strange that Dean hadn't even hesitated. He'd told her everything. God, that had been the hardest thing he'd ever done… and then Rhea, beautiful wonderful Rhea took it all and just held on as invisible tears fell deep inside him… as if she _knew_.

Arms around her waist, face hidden against her neck, buried in her hair as his body began to shake he heard her say the words. "Oh sweetheart, it's okay. Even warriors and heroes need to cry sometimes. Isn't that what makes us human, what sets us apart from all that stuff you hunt? Lay your head down Dean and let it all out. Your secret's safe with me. I won't ever tell a soul."

God help him but that's exactly what he did.

Somehow he ended up sprawled out across the couch with his big socked feet hanging off the side and his head in her lap shaking silently as he let his heart feel all the things it had been forced to push aside over the years. Rhea's comforting voice guiding him through, her small healing hands running through his hair the way they did in Cody's when the child had a nightmare. "Don't blame yourself Dean. None if it is your fault."

How could he tell her? How could he make her understand? Every person he couldn't save was his fault. This was his job, his life. If he and Sam didn't do this stuff…well, he didn't even like to think about it. Yeah, he'd saved a lot of people. _They _had saved a lot of people… but he'd failed a lot of them too. He failed _Sam _every time he wound up hurt. There were no words to describe the weight that he carried with him always. So Dean did what he did best. Squeezing his eyes tightly shut he closed out the rest of the world determined to deal with it alone. They both felt his tears fall, even though not a one made it past closed lids and long lashes.

Damage Control was what Sam had called it. Dean had come downstairs to soothe Rhea's hurt feelings and her concerns…who knew it would be the pain in Dean's soul that would begin to heal instead?

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

I played cars with Uncle Sam until the noise downstairs stopped being so loud. We would have played longer except he fell asleep. One minute he was blinking big and wide at me like he was an owl or something and the next he was curling up on the carpet. I wasn't tired or anything…well, not until I curled up with him and he snuggled me close like I was teddy. Couldn't help it then… just kind of drifted off to sleep. He felt like mommy sort of. You know… warm, and um… safe…only all that muscle and stuff made him a lot less soft.

His tummy grumbling woke us both up at lunchtime. I'm pretty sure that by then Mommy and Dean had made up because when we went downstairs to start lunch she was humming quietly to herself and way ahead of us on the food thing. Mom's are great for that…kind of like Auntie Missouri. They know what you need before you even know you need it.

There was a really loud rumbling sound coming from the living room that made Uncle Sam smile real wide. "Dean's sleeping?" he asked in a funny loud whisper. Mom just smiled that special smile, the one she usually had for me, and nodded putting a finger to her lips.

There were _thousands_ of cookies all over the counters and the kitchen table and still more in the oven. Uncle Sam saw me eyeing them I think because he made a big show of trying to steal one so he could distract Mom. Then, when he had her attention (and I gotta say she wasn't too happy with him) he slid his other hand behind his back where she couldn't see it and gave me one of the warm ones. It was real hard not to giggle. This Sam guy? Yeah, he was a keeper too. Just like Dean.

"Cody honey? Why don't you go wash your hands, the soup's almost ready. Quietly, okay? We don't want to wake Dean."

She didn't have to tell me twice. I was a master sneaker… I mean I'd managed to sneak around a couple of ghostbusters right? I even managed to run the water softly enough so I could hear Mommy and Sam talk and I don't think they even realized it. Go me: Master Sneaker _Super Spy! _Maybe Sam and Dean would need a third Musketeer. I wasn't giving up the sidekick idea… just had to figure out how to convince them it was a good idea.

* * *

"So, uh, you and Dean get to talk?" Sam asked almost shyly.

"Yes. Yes we did." Rhea gave nothing away. Well, unless an affectionate glance in the direction of Dean's snoring counted for anything. Which it didn't. At least not that he could tell yet.

"What did you, um, talk about?" Well, he had to know right? Had to know what exactly she knew, what Dean had told her. It's not like his brother was available for the asking was he?

"Well, we talked about the lies he told and his reasons for them. All of which in hindsight I can admit were completely justified."

Okay, so that was good. Dean and Rhea were on speaking terms… and she trusted him again it seemed. But, had she believed the hunting stuff? Or had Dean lied to her again to make things easier? Sam didn't even have to ask.

"So, I hear Peter the shovel wielding ghost caused those." She said nodding to the spattering of big purple bruises across his bare chest and back. "Uh, yeah…" Well, what the hell was he supposed to say to that?

"You ought to go in and get an x-ray in case you hurt your ribs. I've got a friend who works at the local hospital..."

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea."

Rhea smiled as she ladled out a couple of bowls of soup. There was just something about these Winchesters that made her want to take care of them.

"You, uh, need a hand with any of this?" Sam asked her.

"No, you just go ahead and sit down. I'm almost done. If you really want you can help me load up the dishwasher after lunch."

* * *

Dean snored the afternoon away. Straight through lunch, the racket they made doing the dishes…even stayed oblivious to the Impala roaring to life when Sam moved it so Rhea could pull her car out and drive him to get the x-ray's done.

When he did wake up it was alone, to an empty house.

First thing he noticed, before even opening his eyes, was that Rhea wasn't there.

She'd left a note on the coffee table where he'd see it right away.

_Dean,_

_Driving Sam in to get his ribs looked at. I've got a friend at the hospital that'll do the x-ray no questions asked. Don't worry, he's a lot better than he was this morning. I was just worried he might have bruised them. We'll be back soon._

_I left a fresh towel out… take some time, grab a shower. Leftovers from lunch are in the fridge if you're hungry and there's a plate of cookies on the counter for you too. Take advantage of a little time for yourself okay?_

_Hope you slept well. See you when we get home._

_Rhea xo _

'See you when you get home' Wow. It just seemed so _normal._ How the hell had he managed to just walk into normal? Not that he was

complaining or anything…she'd left him _cookies_. He didn't deserve to have it this good.

* * *

**_Please Review! Thanks!_**


	7. Chapter 7

Same old disclaimer: Don't own anything related to the show...just taking a walk on the Winchester side for a little while.

So, I got this review asking for more ten year old Cody that gave me the idea for this next chapter. It's different than the rest of what I've written so far...but good different I think :) You guys'll have to let me know how you like it and if I managed to pull it off though. I wouldn't want to take this story way out to left field and end up completely butchering it lol. (Though I don't think that's the case on this one)

Thanks so much for all your reviews guys! Please don't stop : D I'm really glad you've enjoyed it as much as you have. Makes writing the story all the more fun for me.

* * *

Cody had grown up watching Sam and Dean leaf through John Winchester's Journal. After his mom had died Sam had taught him how to read from it. They were constantly adding their own notes after a job and somewhere along the line John's journal had become Sam and Dean's. Now, at the age of ten with memories of his mother starting to fade Cody has decided he wants a journal too. A way to remember even when the memories were so faded he couldn't really see them anymore.

The idea had started with a project he'd been given at school. Mrs. Gandini had asked them to write an account of their favorite memory. Well it had been no contest, Cody picked the day he and his mom had first met Dean Winchester. Of course, once he got started the story wouldn't stop coming and instead of just having the one page to hand in he found himself with a fifteen page account of the first twenty four hours Sam and Dean had come into his life. Most of which he couldn't hand in because really, Mrs. Gandini would never believe in Ghostbusters…and anyway they just didn't talk about the things they did to anyone. Unless you counted Auntie Missouri and Grandpa John… and Cody just didn't. They were family. Family was okay.

He was stuck. His favorite memory would always be Dean walking into their lives… but he couldn't hand this in. Could he? So Cody did what he always did when faced with a problem like this: he went to Missouri.

With her help he'd taken that first night and the Lasagna dinner and shaped it into what the teacher had asked for but now he was faced with a new dilemma. The problem he'd run into was that he still had a story to tell. He found himself scribbling away madly in the backseat of the Impala trying to get it all down without crying or laughing or even just sighing too loudly. Wouldn't do to tip off his 'uncles' they had enough to worry about without having to add this to the mix.

Besides, Dean had always blamed himself for Rhea's death. They'd never spoken about it…but the guilt was there, always had been and though Dean had found ways of suppressing it, hiding it and pushing it aside over the last five years Cody knew… He just _knew_ that if he found out about this stuff he was writing about all that guilt would come rushing back as if it had happened just yesterday.

He should have known better. Dean knew. Dean always knew. He knew Cody better than Cody knew himself. Hell Dean knew Cody better than Dean knew _Dean_.

He'd caught all those little sighs, the stifled giggles and even the odd silent tear as the boy who was quickly becoming a young man put pen to paper on the leather seat behind him. Each and every one reflected in the rearview mirror as the Impala ate up the miles from one job to another. Dean knew, _knew _it had something to do with Rhea… he just couldn't figure out what _it_ was… I mean what the hell?

Cody had been just fine until a few weeks ago. There had been the expected tears and nightmares that went on for weeks after Rhea's death. He and Sam must've done something right though because it didn't take long before he'd adjusted to the change. Sure, he missed his mom… God, _Dean _missed Rhea like he would miss an amputated arm or a leg… but Cody was _happy_. The kid wanted nothing more than to just sit in the backseat of the car and sing rock songs off key with them as they went from place to place hunting whatever evil thing that came their way. Like all he ever needed were Dean and Sam.

The thing that Dean never counted on was that Sam knew Dean better than Dean knew himself. Sam took care of Dean the way Dean took care of everyone else. He was just a whole lot more subtle about it. Had to be really because his brother would never let him get away with it if he ever caught on.

Cody was in bed, fast asleep and snoring softly. Dean was sitting at the table by the window pouring over their Dad's journal trying to piece together the latest mystery surrounding their latest hunt. Sam looked up over the laptop and just watched.

As always when something troubled him about their Cody Dean just couldn't concentrate. Every thirty seconds or so he'd look over at the bed where Cody lay and then at the Spiderman bag on the floor. If Sam was subtle Dean was anything but.

"Dean?" _What's the matter? _Only his little brother could make his name a question like that.

"What?" So, having the kid around made it a lot harder to avoid the chick flick moments. Didn't mean he'd just fall into them willingly.

"What's going on?" Dude always fought it, but Sam never let up.

"Nothing." _Except that he really wanted to know what the hell Cody had been writing in that little book of his…_

"Right. Nothing. So then why've you just spent the last hour trying to stare a hole through Cody's school bag?"

"I have _not…_" he started to deny and then realized it would get him nowhere. When it came to Cody, like it had always been with Sam, he would do anything. Even if it meant a chick flick moment to ensure his happiness. "…alright. _Fine._ I want to know what it is he's been writing that's been making him so moody lately. I've never seen him like this before and…" God he couldn't believe he was about to say it… "I'm, uh, worried about him." Ugh, there it was. The feelings thing. Couldn't get more chick flick than that.

"You noticed it too huh? I, uh, think it maybe has something to do with… the, um, anniversary coming up." Okay, apparently you _could_ get more chick flick than that. Trust Sam to bring up the one thing that had never failed to make Dean want to cry. He never did of course… not since that first night… but he always wanted to. The anniversary of Rhea's death would never _ever_ be easy to deal with.

Dean swallowed heavily. The thought had crossed his own mind more than once over the last few days. "I don't know Sam… it might be. But it's not just the tears he's trying to hide…" and God only knew how much that hurt because Cody had _always _come to Dean with those before. Cody had always come to Dean with _everything_. "…that soft giggling is new and so is that little hitching sigh. Whatever it is… I mean, it's got to have something to do with his mom… and it has everything to do with _that book_."

"So, what do you want to do about it?"

"I want to read it. Whatever the hell it is that he's writing and not telling us about I want to know what it is. It's just not like the kid to keep secrets."

But… "Dean. That's an invasion of his privacy. If he wanted us to read it he'd have asked us to by now. He's not five anymore. Cody's going to want to start keeping some stuff to himself."

Okay, so Sam had a point. That didn't mean he had to like it.

"So, what do you suggest then Francis? How do we get him to open up about this?"

"We ask him. In the morning. Over breakfast." Cody was always a little chatterbox in the morning. Never failed to bring a smile to Sam's face because he always was talking Dean's ear off. Dean, before coffee, generally had a hard time keeping up. He never let on of course but Sam and Cody knew because of the funny faces he didn't know he made. It was just one of those things that let Cody know he was loved.

"You think it'll be that easy? He's just like us now with the lying and the hiding what we do. I'm not so sure he'll tell us if he doesn't want to." Dean sure wouldn't.

"Good point." Sam didn't like it but if Cody didn't talk to them about this he didn't see any alternative. "Alright then. If he won't talk to us, which for the record I doubt will be the case, still… if he doesn't then we'll have to read whatever it is he's been writing. Let's try not to let it come to that though, okay. It just doesn't seem right."

There wasn't much that Sam and Dean didn't know about Cody. One of those things was that he'd learned how to fake still being asleep when he woke up at night sometimes. Cody heard their entire conversation. Had to pull the covers over his head to hide his reaction.

It made him sick to know he'd been worrying them. That was the last thing he'd wanted. It made him smile to think of his two protectors, his _family_ going through his stuff because they cared enough to want to get to the bottom of what was bothering him. They wouldn't have to of course. Sam was right. All they had to do was ask and he'd tell them everything.

It made him determined to finish what he had started with this. He knew now what this was. Not an exorcism of his thoughts and feelings from all those years ago… no. A gift. He was telling their story the way it played out in Cody's heart not for himself but for Dean. Because he blamed himself and he shouldn't. Because Cody never blamed him, not for any of it and because Dean needed to know that. But for him to get it, really get it, the story would need to be finished when he read it. His journal was a way for him to remember the beginning of it all but it was also his gift to Sam and Dean. Well, mostly Dean… because Dean needed him… needed to know he was okay… needed to know that he wasn't to blame and never had been. But Dean wouldn't get it unless he read the whole thing… and the whole thing wasn't finished yet. But it would be soon.

So in the morning, when they asked him about what he was writing he'd be honest with them like he always was. He'd ask them to wait a few more days so he could finish it before they read it… and they would. Because that's just what Sam and Dean did. They understood.

* * *

Later on the next day they were on the road again, AC/DC pumping through the stereo and Dean singing 'Back in Black' while Sam rolled his eyes pretending to be annoyed. Of course, in a few minutes Sam would be singing right along with him because secretly he really liked the music Dean always had blasting from the stereo. Those two were so funny, hiding all that love behind the all that macho.

Just thinking about it brought back that first night Sam and Dean stayed at the house. That first night he'd been trying to put down on paper but couldn't remember enough to get it to make sense. Pulling out the little book Missouri had given him and his pencil, he hunched down in his seat and started to write again

* * *

It was really dark in my room when I opened my eyes. Mommy had put me to bed early because I was really tired but I woke up again anyway. I was really scared that my Ghostbusters might leave in the middle of the night and that just couldn't happen. Like I said before… those two were keepers and I just wasn't going to let them go. I could tell mom felt the same way too. It was in her eyes when she looked at them… especially Dean. Like she used to look at Dad… only different. Better.

My bedroom was really dark because my nightlight was off. Now, usually I was afraid of the dark. Mostly 'cause I couldn't see very well. It didn't stop me this time though. I needed to see that Sam and Dean were still here.

Now, normally Teddy would have been my backup for this kind of thing. I'd carry him along because he could see in the dark better than I could, but I gave him to Sam and that was okay because Sam needed him more. Still, it was hard to be brave without Teddy. I almost didn't get out of bed at all…until I heard the soft sound of the TV going downstairs. Well, the super sneak just had to go investigate right? What kind of a sidekick spy would I be if I hid under the covers when there was a mystery to solve?

The stairs were about ten steps from my bedroom door. By the time I reached them I could already see the back of Dean's head poking up above the back of the couch. I wasn't halfway down the stairs when he caught me sneaking. The guy was _good_.

"Cody? I know you're up, I can hear you creeping down the stairs. Come here kiddo."

It wasn't quite a whisper but it wasn't loud enough to wake anyone up either. His voice was deep and warm and comforting and, well to be honest all the bravery I'd mustered had pretty much flown out the window by the time I made it to the second step. So what did I do? I ran to him of course.

"What's the matter dude? The tv wake you up? 'Cause I can turn it down if…"

"No. I couldn't sleep 'cause I was afraid you guys would leave."

"Really? Why would you be worried about a thing like that?"

"Because you guys are ghosbusters and sooner or later you're gonna have to go to work." _And when you do you'll leave and never come back…just like daddy, and Gran and Gramps_.

"Nah kiddo. We're not going anywhere." _at least not yet anyway._ Kids don't have to be psychic to hear what adults are thinking. Usually it's written on their faces and even babies could read faces.

"Promise you'll say goodbye before you do go?" I asked. I didn't ever want to wake up and just find them gone. Like Daddy had.

Dean's always done this thing… this thing where he reads my mind and knows exactly what it is I'm thinking or feeling. It's like his very own superpower, even though I know superpowers don't exist… not really. Well, maybe they do. After all, if ghostbusters are really real then anything's possible right?

Anyway, somehow Dean just kind of knew without my having to say it. "I won't leave Cody. Not without saying goodbye." He picked me up and looked at me with a 'man-to-man' kind of look. "and even when I do go away Cody you won't have to worry because I'll come back." Just like that he made me a promise. It was there, wordless but real so that maybe I could touch the words even though I couldn't see or hear them. _I promise I won't just disappear._ It was the first of lots of promises he and Uncle Sam made me and mommyThe difference with Winchester promises is that they're always kept. Always.

"So wacha watching Dean?" I asked him feeling safe now that I was in his arms.

He smiled and looked over at the TV. "The late night movie is King Kong tonight. It's a classic. Might be a little scary for you though."

I gave him a funny look. Scary huh? "I won't be scared. Not with two real live ghostbusters here to protect me." There it was again, that laugh.

"Good point Cody, good point."

"Hey Dean?"

"Yeah squirt?"

"Can we have popcorn?"

Another quiet laugh rumbled in the dark.

"No. No popcorn. We might wake up your mom. Somehow I don't think she'd be okay with our movie choice tonight. Tell you what though, I'll bet we could sneak some cookies…"

Cookies, a monster movie and my very own hero. This was gonna be awesome!

"Dean?" I asked a few minutes later while the opening credits of the movie rolled by on the screen in front of us.

"What's up?"

"How do ghosts happen?"

It was a harmless enough question, still Dean looked like he wasn't sure he would answer. Even now I'm not really sure why he did.

"Um, well. Ghosts are, uh, well I guess you could say they're born… when, ah, people die." He looked _real _uncomfortable squirming around like that. I don't think he liked my question much. Didn't like my next one either.

"Do all people that die become ghosts?"

"No. Ah, Ghosts only usually happen when someone dies in a really bad way. Sometimes they come back for revenge against whatever made them die and sometimes they try to warn people before they die too."

"So ghosts aren't always bad?"

He frowned. Dean had to think about that one a little before answering. "No, I guess they aren't all bad. Most of them are though and _all _of them need help moving on."

"How do you do that?"

Mom was always calling me curious George. Dean was starting to see why.

"Easy, you call me and Sam and we do it."

"Okay."

I could feel him smile when I settled into the crook of his arm to watch the movie and stole the cookie from in his hand.

About halfway through the movie I fell asleep… at least I think it was halfway. Last think I remember is watching King Kong climb those buildings with the lady in his big hands. That was _really cool_.

Next thing I knew Dean was tucking the covers in around me back up in my room. I don't think he knew I was awake… 'least not until I asked him my last question.

"How do you…Dean? How do you keep the bad ghosts away?"

"Salt, buddy." He whispered from the doorway. "Lots of salt in a circle all around where you don't want it to be. Now go to sleep." And another promise, unspoken. _I'll be here when you wake up._

And of course, he was.

* * *

**_Please Review thx : )_**


	8. Chapter 8

Same old disclaimer. The Winchesters, the Metallicar, the show...yeah, they're all Kripke's and the CW's. I'm just, um, borrowing them for a little bit. Cody and Rhea? Yeah, those two are all mine. : )

* * *

"Damn it that scribbling of his is driving me crazy!" Was Dean's frustrated growl on the way back to Missouri's after dropping Cody off at school. What he really meant was _I wish he'd just show us what the hell already damnit_ but Sam understood all the same.

"We told him we'd give him a couple of days Dean. He'll tell us, or show us. You know he will. Just…just try to be patient." Yeah, 'cause _that _was possible. Asking Dean to be patient when it came to Cody was like asking a vegetarian to eat steak. Rare.

"So not gonna happen dude."

"Yeah, I know." For what it was worth, the wait was driving Sam more than a little crazy too, he was just a whole lot less vocal about it. He figured Dean had them both covered in that department.

"So…uh. Two days huh? Until…" two days until the anniversary of the day Rhea died.

"Yeah Sam. Two days. Gonna have to leave tonight so we can make it back in time."

The first year they'd been headed out from Lawrence to get to a job down in Florida. Dean had been doing his damnedest to pretend like it was nothing, to just go on like it was going to be any other day. His excuse had been that he didn't want to open up old wounds for Cody.

Sam had been surprised when Dean had made a full-on U-turn completely out of the blue and pointed the Impala back to that place. Had said it was important for Cody to remember and mumbled something about 'all that closure crap you keep yapping about'. Sam had his own theories on that particular subject but knew to keep his mouth shut about it…mostly. They'd been making a yearly trip back ever since. Partly for Cody. Mostly for Dean.

"It'll be five years this year." Five long years and Dean had only really started being himself again, really himself, just this past one.

"I know man, I know." Five long years of having to deal with the loss of something he'd never believed he'd be lucky enough to have. Sam had always thought it a cruel and evil joke that his brother had only been allowed to have it for a few short days. Just didn't seem fair.

"We don't have to go back this year Dean…" It drove Sam crazy because the trip took so damn much out of his brother. Dean was known to go days afterwards not saying a word… just staring out at the blacktop through the windshield watching the miles roll by aimlessly.

"Yeah. We do." But what he really meant was _Yeah. I do._

And that was that. Just like that first time he'd made up his mind. They were going and that's just all there was to it.

Sam let out a deep sigh. If they had a dollar for every loss they'd suffered, for every ounce of pain they'd had the misfortune of feeling the Winchesters would be very, very rich men. Dean in particular… yeah he'd be the richest one of them all.

"Alright then. We'd better pack it up. We'll have to leave as soon as school lets out if we're going to make it in time." They had a lot of road to cover, especially since Dean liked to take the 'scenic' route to get there. Circling almost all the way around and stopping at every chance he got as if trying to stall the inevitable. Dean, who was always the one to just jump right in and get it done…procrastinating. Sam would follow just like he always did because his brother needed him and when it came to Dean…well he'd do just about anything.

* * *

Cody might as well have not gone to school that day at all really. He spent the whole day trying to finish his gift to Dean. Didn't hear a word the teacher said. Spent all of recess sitting off by himself writing away as if his life depended on the words he was putting to paper. Helping the three happiest days of his life take shape on a few sheets of lined paper. It was hard… but like Dean said: nothing worth having ever came easy. And this? This was definitely worth doing.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning all the adults were already awake and there was a big breakfast waiting for me. Dean was pouring over Mommy's newspaper with a really serious look on his face and Sam was typing away at his computer. 

"Wacha doing Dean?" I asked, climbing up and onto his lap.

"Hm? Oh, morning squirt. M'working."

He never took his eyes off the newspaper in his hand, but he did wrap his free arm around me just far enough to keep me where I was. I thought I was stuck there for a second, doomed to boredom…until I felt his big fingers curl up just a little making me giggle. He did it again, and then again until Sam looked up over his computer screen at us.

"Dude, quit torturing the poor kid already." He was pretending to be mad at Dean for tickling me. "What? I'm not doing anything…" Dean's never been very good at pretending to be innocent. Probably because he's all mischief. He tickled me again making me squirm around and kick the table by accident. Sam rolled his eyes and took another sip of coffee but he couldn't hide his smile. That just made me giggle even more. Those two were really funny with their pretend arguing.

Mommy came up out of nowhere and ruffled Dean's hair from behind him and leaned down to kiss his forehead and pick me up. Sam just kind of ducked his head and made a funny snorting noise and I think Dean might've kicked him under the table but neither of them said anything so I'm not real sure what happened.

I don't remember a whole lot about those few days, but I do remember Mommy's smile. I'd never seen her that happy before. Uncle Sam and Dean just kind of fit with us, sort of like they'd always been there. Some things were different though…like how the windows and doors all had salt across them and they never did before. I remembered what Dean told me about the ghosts though so I just kinda figured it was like Mommy locking the doors at night to keep us safe.

Other than that though everything kind of went on like it always did. We all had breakfast together in the morning and then Mommy would take me to daycare and go to work. She and Dean would pick me up in the afternoon together which was always fun because the other kids really liked his hot wheels car and that made him laugh a lot. I really liked that laugh, especially when Mommy was laughing too. It came from deep down inside them and touched everyone who heard it. Then we'd all have supper together and I'd get to play with my ghostbusters awhile.

Bedtime was my favorite. Especially after that first one. When Mommy found out I gave my teddy to Sam she bought me a new one… he was a stuffed gorilla that Dean and me named King Kong. I tried to tell her it was okay, that Uncle Sam needed Teddy more than I did but she knew how much my bear meant to me and it was important to her that I got a new one since I wouldn't let Sam give Teddy back. I've slept with him every night since, still do now even…just like Sam still curls up with Teddy when he comes back hurt from a hunt. I think it's funny he tries to hide it from me like that. Everybody knows that a good cuddle with a teddy makes everything feel better.

So at night Mommy would tuck me in like always, with the blankets wrapped just right around me and King Kong and just enough kisses to last me until morning. See why I liked bedtime? But the best part was Dean. He tried to act all tough and just stand in the doorway and watch Mom tuck me in…but then when he thought I was sleeping he'd sneak back into my room and check the salt by my window and stuff to make sure I was safe. If I managed not to giggle and give myself away he would sneak over to my bed really quietly, re-tuck my blankets wherever they'd come undone and then brush the hair off my forehead with one of his big rough fingers.

Dean's the biggest, toughest most awesome guy in the whole universe but when mom smiled at him that was it. He'd just melt. They never said it, not in front of me anyway, but they didn't need to. I know Mommy loves Dean and I know Dean loves Mommy and I love the both of them _and_ Sam so I guess the words aren't important are they?

We had four days and three nights all of us together before it happened and Mommy left. Four days from the first time Dean's big shiny car pulled into the driveway. Four of the happiest days of my life. My favorite days ever.

* * *

Uncle Sam had an awful nightmare on the third night. Everybody thought I was sleeping, but I woke up to the thunk he made when he fell out of bed. I could hear Dean saying his name over and over again, asking him if he was okay but all Sam could get out past his headache was 'I'm sorry' and Mommy's name. 

Mommy never tucked me in again...but Dean has, every night since except that first one after she died. That night Sam tucked us both in because Dean fell asleep holding me in his arms while I cried.

Dean? Dean's the toughest most awesome guy in the universe. I mean, he has this look that he gives people when he's mad and I swear it could knock down a brick wall if he wanted it to. The thing about him being that tough though? It makes him feel like he has to hide stuff like when he's hurting or scared 'cause it's kind of hard to protect somebody and make them feel safe when you look like you're scared right? I wish there was some way for me to tell him it's okay though. That I know and that it's okay.

It's like he keeps telling me all the time. Everyone is scared sometimes. Everyone feels stuff even if they don't want to and that's okay because that's what makes us who we are. Fear keeps us alert, keeps us sharp he tells me. Sam says that pain, hurt reminds us how special the happy times are. Grandpa John says that tears are the souls way of letting all the pain out to make room for the good stuff. Ghostbusters, Warriors, Protectors, Philosophers… yeah, my Winchesters like to cover all their bases.

* * *

Grandpa John picked me up from school at lunch today. It's become a yearly tradition really. He just kind of showed up one day a couple of days before Mom's d-day, picked me up from school at lunch time like it was something we did all the time and took me for a drive. I think it might have had something to do with the message I'd left him about Dean. The one I've left him every year since mom left. 

He'd been having nightmares and I was worried. I couldn't talk to Uncle Sam about it because he'd just talk to Dean… and well those kinds of talks never ended very well. So I snuck Dean's phone one night and called Grandpa from the bathroom while he and Sam were sleeping about a week before the anniversary. Had to leave a voicemail because he didn't pick up. I was scared he'd get mad because he didn't know me. In the whole year I'd been with Sam and Dean we hadn't seen him even once. I'd never even met the guy. But my Dean was having nightmares and that was scary. He needed….something. I didn't know what. But I figured if anyone would know it would be his daddy.

Man, you should have seen my teachers face when he showed up though. All dark and scruffy, looking larger than life. She didn't want to let me go with him because he looked scary and she'd never seen him before…but when he said his name was John Winchester, emphasis on the Winchester part with that grin Dean uses on girls. Yeah, I knew he was the real thing and what I had to do.

The only thing funnier than my teachers face when he walked into the classroom was his face when I ran halfway across the room and launched myself at him calling him 'Grandpa John' giggling the whole way. Gotta give the guy credit though, he recovered pretty quickly. Just blinked and laughed balancing me on his hip like Dean had that first night he came over for supper. Well, after that it was just a quick phone call from the school asking Missouri if it was okay for me to go with him and we were climbing into his big shiny black truck.

I learned a lot about Uncle Sam and Dean that day. Like that they'd lost their mom too, when Dean was just a little younger than me and Sam was just a little baby. Dean had nightmares about fires right up until he turned my age, though he never talked about them. That's when Grandpa started to teach him all the hunting stuff and taught him how to shoot a rock salt gun. After that they just stopped. That's when he started taking care of Grandpa and Sam.

I learned a lot about Grandpa John too. Like how he always knows where we are and what 'his boys' are up to so he can protect them and keep them safe even when they're not. I'm one of his boys too now he told me that first time, an honest-to-god Winchester even if mom and Dean were never married. He loves us a lot and that's why he hunts. Because he wants to make the world safer for us…make it a better place for his boys. He's never around very much but every year, a few days before mom's anniversary he shows up and we talk no matter where Sam, Dean and me happen to be.

Today he took me to Denny's and we had great big greasy hamburgers for lunch. We didn't talk much this time because I asked him to read my present for Dean. I wanted to make sure it was okay. That I was doing the right thing.

I've never seen Grandpa John cry before…don't think anyone has really and I doubt anyone ever will again. I almost started crying too until he reached over and patted my shoulder. "You did good Cody. This book…your journal? It might not make the nightmares go away but it'll sure help when he's up half the night because of them. I'm uh, I'm pretty sure that this is exactly what Dean needs."

The nightmares always start a week before the anniversary and they don't stop until a couple of days after. Dean goes for days, just driving. Doesn't eat much, doesn't sleep at all… just drives as far and as fast as he can until he's too exhausted to do anything anymore. Then we stop at the first motel we see and he sleeps like the dead for a whole other day. I've been looking for a way to make it better for five years now, praying to Mommy for help. I think maybe this year she answered my prayer.

* * *

"_SAM!" he was whispering as loudly as he dared. "Sam, dude you've got to get Cody the hell outta here!" _

"_What? I can't just leave you here with a damned demon Dean!"_

_Oh hell no, arguing was not an option here. Not now. Not on this one. Not anymore. _

"_You've got to get the kid out now Sam. We can't risk it. No way he's gonna see his mom like that. No way we're going to risk his life like that! I'll meet up with you back at the hotel. Look, we've got the element of surprise here that we can hold on to for what? Another minute…two maybe… It's the only way man…"_

_And it really was the only way and that's the only reason Sam agreed. The only reason he would ever leave Dean alone with something like this. The vision had clearly shown Rhea, possessed and murdering her own son before turning on Sam and Dean himself. _

_Rhea, he had to save Rhea. The only way he could do that was to lure her away from Cody and perform an exorcism. God, they had to get the boy out. He and his mom had been through so damned much already…He had to fix this. There was just no option here. He had to fix it._

_She didn't know yet. The demon didn't know that he and Sam knew it was in Rhea's body. Not yet anyway. And they were going to use that to their advantage. How the hell had the damned thing managed to get a hold of her in the first place was the first thing he wanted to know. Especially since Rhea hadn't left his sight since Sam had had that vision. Didn't matter now though did it? Nope. What mattered was getting it the hell out again._

_Best case they all got out of there in once piece, demon got sent back to hell…worst case… God, he didn't even want to consider worst case. There was only one way this would go: Sam would get Cody out and as far away as humanly possible. Dean would perform the exorcism and with any luck by breakfast tomorrow they would all be sitting at some diner corner booth eating pancakes and thanking God it was over. _

"_Hey Cody!" He called out. "C'mere kiddo. Sam and I've got a surprise for you."_

_Yeah, some surprise. Hey kid, guess what? You're mom's possessed. Right. _

_As always the kid came running. Nothing like a surprise from his ghostbusters to get him going . Any other time and Dean would have been grinning widely from ear to ear at the look on his face… not today though. Definitely not today._

_Scooping Cody up he turned to where Sam was coming back down the hall with a small bag in hand. _

"_Listen kiddo, you're mom's in trouble. Big trouble. I'm gonna take care of it though so don't be scared okay? I need you to be brave. Sam's gonna take you somewhere safe away from here but you've got to go now. Just you and him okay?" _

_Cody could only blink wide eyes and nod solemnly. God, was that the look he'd given Dad when…? No, no time to think about that now. He was handing Cody over to Sam's waiting arms when he heard the terrified whisper: "What about mommy? Is she gonna be okay?"_

"_She'll be just fine Cody. I promise that by breakfast tomorrow everything will be fixed. I'll bring mommy to the motel and we'll all go out and eat together… okay dude?" Paste a smile on your face man. Don't show your fear. He needs you strong right now. Hell, you need you strong right now._

_Another nod, this one trusting and meant only for Dean as their eyes met and held over Sam's shoulder. _

"_Dean? Sam? Cody? What are you guys up to down there?" _

_Rhea's voice… but not quite her voice…coming from upstairs. Sam pressing his lips tightly together and gathering Cody close. Cody scrunching his eyes closed and burying his face in Sam's shoulder. "Go. Go. Go." Urgent whisper from dry lips and mouth and he was shoving them out the front door. _

"_Dean?" Rhea at the top of the stairs…all seemed normal except…you know…for that voice that wasn't quite as warm as usual. God please let the damned vision be wrong… Just this one time…Please?_

"_Looks like we've got this place to ourselves sweetheart. Sammy, uh, took Cody out for ice cream." Just barely registering the gentle, graceful sway of her hips as she slowly came down the stairs he waited…waited for some sign. Something that would tell him for sure, because so help him he just couldn't get the word 'Christo' out to save his life. _

"_He did, did he?" _

_He'd blinked. Damnit he'd blinked, and right when he did he could have sworn there'd been a flash of something in those blue eyes. Something terrifyingly real. Something that pried the word out of him even as his mind screamed that he really REALLY didn't want to know, because knowing made it real and knowing meant he'd have to…_

"_Christo."_

_Pupils dilated, blowing so wide there was no trace of blue left. Evil incarnate stared him down from behind the mask it had made of the one person in the world who'd ever managed to make Dean feel whole. Voice three shades deeper than it had ever been before cackling in a way he hoped never to hear again. "Took you long enough Winchester."_

He couldn't breathe. He. COULDN'T. _BREATHE_. and he was pretty damned sure that this time his heart really _had _stopped beating. Except that it hadn't really because it was beating so erratically hard that maybe, just maybe this time it was going to make its way right through his rib cage and out of his chest. Five years of those freaking dreams. Five long years of those goddamned freaking recurring _nightmares_ and Dean Winchester was positive that one day? Yeah, one day the damned things were going kill him.

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	9. Chapter 9

Sam wasn't in the room this time, thank god. Last time Sam had caught him having a nightmare he'd offered to listen if Dean wanted to 'talk' about it. What was there to talk about really? He was reliving what had to be the worst day of his life ever, over and over again. Talking wasn't exactly going to help anything _now_ was it?

Missouri had insisted he lay down for a bit before Cody got home from school. She knew the drive they had ahead of them and she didn't want him driving exhausted. Dean knew better, knew that the second his head hit the pillow the dreams would start and he'd wake up feeling worse than when he lay down in the first place. Useless trying to tell _her_ that though. He wasn't stupid, she already knew. They all did.

The trip. God, he spent all year dreading the trip. He hated going back there…hated remembering any of it at all. Three wonderful days filled with all the stuff he'd always dreamed of having and never told anyone because he knew he could never have it. Family. Real family. Not the road, hunting with Dad though he'd always loved that…but Rhea, Cody and Sam in a home doing family stuff like home cooked dinners. Sneaking late night movies with Cody, Picking the kid up at daycare with Rhea… it had felt so normal. He'd slipped into it as if it were something he'd just been meant to do. And then…

After she'd died and they'd tied up the loose ends for Cody he'd pointed the Impala to Lawrence and away from that place intending never to go back. Not for anything. Sam had been less annoying about it then he was with most stuff, only mentioning it every once in a while. 'Closure' had been a recurring subject in those particular conversations and when the word finally did pop up that was usually Dean's cue to walk out and regroup. He was dealing with this… he was. Best way he knew how. Seeing that tombstone though? Going back to that house? Yeah, that wasn't closure… that was ripping his own heart out with bare hands all the hell over again. Sammy didn't get that though. You'd think of all people _he _would.

Still, Sam had let it go. Let Dean go on and do what he had to do. Was right there next to him while he worked through the pain, literally. God, those first few months alone they must have hit thirty different towns. There had been vampires, ghosts, vengeful spirits, a nasty shapeshifter and a handful of other evil things that he'd hunted down with single minded determination. Only thing he wouldn't touch were exorcisms. Took him close to three years to get back into the swing of that part of the job and even then only because he'd had no other choice.

Three days before the one year mark after Rhea's death he had a huge argument with Sam. He thought they ought to head back and do something special for that day. Something for Cody…and again with the closure garbage. God you'd think that Sam of all people would get that there just _wasn't _any kind of closure for something like this.

He didn't know why Sammy finally just let it drop, but he did. Maybe it had been some kind of reverse psychology. Who knew? He didn't care as long as he didn't have to go back. He'd found a job all the way down in Florida. As far away as he could physically get really. Next morning they'd packed up, pointed the Impala south and hit the accelerator.

Of course, the nightmares had already started. His first one had come exactly one week before the anniversary of that fateful day. The first few weren't so bad but they were just the start really. Practice runs for the horror that was to come.

An hour on the road with the ghost of those dreams rattling around his head and he started thinking about what Rhea would have wanted for Cody.

Sam was right of course. Going to the gravesite would be good for the kid. Going back to that house would be good for him too. There were lots of good reasons to go back. 'Course there were lots of good reasons to just keep driving the other way too.

An hour on the road and he found himself wondering if…wondering if the clothes that still hung in her closet still smelled like her…and damn it that was the clincher. He'd spent the better part of twelve months running from her memory, the guilt and the pain of his biggest most phenomenal failure. Now all he wanted to do was find some way to feel her close to him. A desperate need to just sit in her room and breathe in whatever might be left of her essence there washed over him and grabbed hold.

He was pulling an incredibly illegal U-turn, not even really caring where the hell they were as long as they were headed the other way. Headed home. Not Lawrence… but home. To Rhea.

Of course as soon as the scenery started changing and becoming more familiar the memories got stronger. The guilt started rearing its ugly head again leaving him conflicted. He wanted to go back, more than anything in the world he wanted to go back…he didn't want to face it again though. Maybe that's what slowed him down.

The official story that he was sticking to was that he wanted to show Cody all the places his mom used to take him, all the places that used to be part of their happy, normal lives. Wanted to go through the motions of helping him remember his dad too. Somehow he thought that's what Rhea would have wanted him to do. If it took that much longer to get back to the grave site and the house then all the better really. Dean Winchester does not procrastinate…he was just…you know… taking his time. Easing Cody into this. Right. Because this definitely had nothing to do with his own problems. Nope.

Well at least Sam and Cody were buying it.

He'd covered all the bases that year on the way back. What should have been a half a day's drive turned into two days with about three dozen stops along the way. Sam, thank God, said nothing and Cody had just been so happy to see all those familiar places that he didn't ask about it either. They'd been taking the same route every year since. Same damn thing every year, like clockwork.

A week before…the dreams…three days before…packing up and the nightmares start getting worse…two days before the drive starts… day of he doesn't sleep at all. He's too afraid of what the dreams will hit him with. They stay the night of in her house and he spends all eight to ten hours there sitting in her room doing the closest thing he's ever really done to praying. For those few hours he can almost believe that all he has to do is turn around and she'll be there. Almost, but not quite because he's tried it and knows that it won't work.

Next day is the worst of all because the nightmares he's stayed awake to avoid start coming to him while he's awake. Sam's the one who packs up the car in the morning because Dean can't get out of the house fast enough. Flashes of those last few minutes with Rhea too strong for him to fight and too painful for him to want to face.

It takes exactly twenty four hours of driving, he knows because he's counted them. Twenty four hours of constant driving with only quick pit-stops along the way for him to outrun his own personal hell. Twenty four hours until he's so exhausted that all he can do is stumble into the motel room and fall on the bed and into a sleep that is so deep he thinks it might actually be the nearest thing he can get to actual death. Twenty four hours exactly, and another twenty four after that before he wakes up again. It's the only hint he ever lets show that he might not be as invincible as Cody believes he is.

The countdown is on now. Two days and counting. A little over forty-eight hours and he'd be home again. Sixty-two and it would be over for another year. Funny how Dean doesn't want it to be over. No, he wants to be able to turn the clock back and do it all over again only this time with a different ending… a better one. One that had Rhea pulling out of it…alive.

* * *

I don't remember much about those three days very clearly… but the first one feels like just yesterday and the last one? The last one might as well have happened just this morning.

It was a Saturday and uncle Sam had a nightmare really early in the morning. I didn't go back to sleep after that. Neither did Dean, though he doesn't know I was ever even awake. He and Mom sat up talking until the sun came up and I'm not sure exactly what they talked about but I'm positive it had to do with Sam's dream. I just lay in bed with King Kong listening to the rumble of Dean's voice and the lighter softer sound of Mom's drifting in through my open door. I remember thinking that our house hadn't felt this much like home ever.

Mommy made French toast for breakfast because I asked her to. Sam told me the day before that it was Dean's favorite and I wanted to surprise him. I've always had this obsession with his smile. Probably because it doesn't come out all that often and when it does…well it shines right out from deep inside of him. Well he smiled at Mommy the whole time she mixed batter and grilled the wet, messy bread and Mommy smiled right back at him. Me? I couldn't stop smiling either just from looking at them.

I remember getting thirsty and reaching for a big bottle of water on the counter and Dean getting all upset with a 'Whoa kiddo, not _that_ stuff. Try the fridge. I think Sammy made some Kool Aid last night." He tried to cover it up but that's when I noticed the worry in his eyes. You know how I said earlier that there are some things that kids just….know? Well it was like right that second something clicked and I just knew that something was wrong, Dean, Mom and Sam…they were scared of something. It felt like we were all waiting for something to happen, I just didn't know what that was.

It was a day just like all the rest they'd spent with us so far. Only difference this time was that Dean wouldn't play, at least not unless Mom was somewhere he could see her. That's when I realized that whatever was going to happen had to do with her. Uncle Sammy's lots of fun to play with but, well, he's not Dean and I got bored of playing with him right after lunch time. Well, that's not exactly true. More like I just didn't want to play anymore. That wrong feeling was getting worse and it was giving me a sore tummy.

I was curled up on the couch watching Spiderman when I heard Dean walking down the hall. It was the first time all day he'd gone anywhere without Mommy. He and Sam were whispering to each other by the front door. I can't say exactly what changed but whatever it was one second my tummy was hurting from that wrong feeling and the next the whole house had that 'oh no' feeling. The one you get just before you get hurt, like when time freezes that second between when you fall off your bike and when you hit the pavement. Yeah. Definitely an 'Oh no' feeling.

I was just opening my mouth to call out to Dean and Sam when Dean called out to me instead. "Hey Cody, C'mere kiddo. Sam and I've got a surprise for you." It was ghostbuster code. I was sure of it. To me it sounded more like 'come here kiddo we're going to keep you safe'. I didn't walk, I ran and I didn't stop running until I was lifted up into Dean's arms. He said mom was in trouble and that I had to go with Sam while he took care of her, that Sam would keep me safe. I didn't want to cry in front of my big brave ghostbuster so I just nodded 'okay' when he handed me over to Sam.

I don't know why I asked, I already knew what the answer was. That feeling I'd had all day was the same one that had hung around when Daddy had gone to heaven. I already knew what was going to happen to Mommy, but still I asked him. _What about Mommy? Is she going to be okay?_

Dean was awesome, he voiced the words I needed to hear and said the rest without even saying a word. He promised me he'd fix everything and that we'd all go out for breakfast in the morning. Promised he'd bring Mommy with him. Promised without saying a word that everything would be okay. Dean always keeps his promises. This time was no different. I believed him.

I'd never seen him scared before…really scared I mean…but when Mom called down to us to find out what we were up to there was a flash of fear in Dean's eyes. I had to close my eyes and hide my face so he wouldn't see how scared I was and worry about me. I could feel him pushing Sam out the door and whispering "Go, go, go!" We took Mommy's car and drove for nearly an hour, right through three different towns before we stopped at an awesome looking old motel.

"Is this the kind of place ghostbusters stay when they're working?"

Sam couldn't help but smile I was so excited. "Yeah Cody, it is. I've got to warn you though, it's not as glamorous as it sounds okay?"

He couldn't fool me. This ghostbusting stuff, this _hunting _stuff…? Yeah it was pretty much the most awesome, coolest adventure there was. I still think so. Okay, so it's dangerous and scary…and like Uncle Sam says the pay sucks but I can't believe that anything involving helping people who're in trouble and saving lives could be anything but a good thing.

Uncle Sam was great! He took me to the park next to the motel and chased after me all afternoon until we both got so hungry our tummies started talking to us. Then he ordered _pizza_! Which was all kinds of awesome because pizza nights are always on Friday…and I'd never had pizza two suppers in a row before.

Dean called while we were eating to check up on us. Sam was pretty worried when he handed the phone to me and Dean was pretty worried about me and Sam. He told me that it was my job to keep Sam busy so he wouldn't have the time to be scared and that everything was going to be okay. I promised I would and I remember thinking that _of course_ everything would be okay. He'd _said_ it would be right?

Bedtime was hard. Uncle Sammy tried tucking me in but neither of us felt much like sleeping. Instead I curled up with him and we watched TV all night. I tried real hard not to fall asleep but sometime after midnight I lost the fight. When I woke up again it was because _somebody _was snoring loud enough to shake the bed and it wasn't King Kong either.

The sun was up already and we were both waiting for the sound of Dean's car. The loud rumble that would tell us that everything was okay. It wasn't hard to find stuff to do. King Kong got restless so we got the lego blocks out of Mommy's car and started building a city. I couldn't remember what the name of the city was in the movie but that was okay because I knew what New York looked like. I figured the Empire State building would be a whole lot more fun to climb than the tower we saw in the movie.

It wasn't until almost lunch time that we finally went out to grab something for breakfast. Even then it was just to the Dunkin Donuts down the street. Just long enough to go through the drive-thru for muffins, a juice and a really huge coffee for Sam. Those last couple of hours were the worst. No matter how hard we tried we couldn't push away the worry.

I think I know when Mom died. There was this moment in the middle of playing with Sam…he was sitting across from me building a tower when I looked up. Something invisible brushed against my cheek and then through my hair the way Mommy always touched me when she was saying goodbye at daycare before heading off to work. Just barely a touch and then it was gone…and I knew it was her. I knew she came to say goodbye. I guess I just didn't want to believe it yet.

I guess I must've closed my eyes and I guess Uncle Sammy must've known something had happened because all of a sudden I was up in his arms with big string fingers playing up and down my sides and tummy. Wasn't until I started tickling back that I found out that Sam was ticklish too. Well, that was the start of a major tickle war. We must've chased after each other for close to an hour at least… and we were both laughing so hard that we didn't hear the door until it was wide open and Dean was stepping through it.

I'm too big for it now, but when I was little I used to do this thing. Take a running start and just launch myself in the air. I did it because for just that couple of seconds it felt like I was flying and then Dean would have me in his arms and all I felt was safe and love. He always caught me, every single last time.

This time he held me just a little bit closer, made me laugh just a little more than all the others. When Dean is sad he likes to make me happy, I mean bust-a-gut laughing happy because that makes _him _feel better. Something was wrong with my Dean…and that's when I realized that Mommy wasn't with him this time. I already knew why. It didn't really sink in until he told me though.

Did you know that when a heart breaks it actually makes a sound? You have to listen real close or you'll miss it, but it's there. When Dean told me Mommy had gone to meet Daddy in heaven I _felt _my heart break and then I got really scared. It had been Mommy and me for so long and there wasn't anyone else really except for Dean and Sam. Gran and Gramps were in heaven too… what if Sam and Dean didn't want me to stay with them? So I asked Dean who would tuck me in at night.

And that's when I heard it, heard his heart break. Not the loud shattering clash that comes when you drop a glass and it breaks but a soft tearing sound that comes just before the tears do. I tried real hard not to cry. I wanted to be strong for Dean because I knew Mommy would want me to be but, well I just couldn't. There were just too many tears to be able to hold in.

Sam tried to reach for me because he saw me fighting off the tears but I shook him off. I just wanted my Dean. I lost the fight when I leaned in and felt his heartbeat under his t-shirt. He was warm, and safe, and _home_, and yeah…he was a bit of Mommy too. When his big arms came around me all I could do was hang on tight and ride out the huge feelings that took over. I cried so long and so hard that I think I used up all my tears because after awhile the only thing that would come out was hiccups. Dean was a great big pillow, so comfortable and then my eyes got heavy and scratchy and I couldn't keep them open anymore.

When I opened my eyes again it was night time. Late or early I'm not really sure but all the lights were off. Dean and I were cuddled up together in one of the beds, he was snoring softly into my hair and it tickled making me smile.

Uncle Sam was sitting across from us in a chair, watching over us I think while we slept. He smiled at me too and knelt next to the bed to ruffle my hair a bit. "Go back to sleep Cody. It's been a long couple of days and the next couple of days are going to be really hard. I'll wake you up when Dean gets up, okay?" I wish I knew how those two always just know what I'm thinking.

I was still really tired so I just closed my eyes and turned over burying my face in Dean's shirt like I used to with Mommy. I fell back to sleep thanking Mommy quietly in my head for the best present she could ever have given me. Yeah, maybe she went to heaven and I would miss her like crazy a whole lot…but when she did leave she gave me my Ghostbusters…my Hunters… Dean's Sammy and my Dean. I couldn't ever be sad about that. Ever.

Auntie Missouri says that there's a reason behind every little thing that ever happens to us. Mommy used to say that too. They're right. When Mommy died it was meant to happen. It was time. I'll always believe that Daddy, Gran and Gramps needed her up in heaven more than I did and Sam and Dean…and yeah, maybe Grandpa John and Auntie Missouri too…they needed me more than Mommy did.

Sam says it's hard to believe in God when you see and learn about the kind of stuff that hunting makes you have to know…I know Dean's not so sure he believes in anything like that at all. I'm not really into the going to church thing like Mom used to be… but Dean's taught me about God and heaven and angels and stuff just like she believed in and you know… I think it's really hard _not _to believe that there's _something_ good out there when I have Sammy and Dean here with me. Whatever the heck it might be.

Dean feels like it's his fault. I know he does. I always have. He's mad at himself because he thinks he took Mommy away from me. Really though? Mommy gave _him_ to _me_. He's mad at himself because he thinks he broke his promise about bringing her back and that's just silly…because he did. She's in the way he tucks me in every night and all the little things he does.

I watch him sometimes, and I know that he's running…searching for what he thinks he's lost when really? It's right there inside of him. He just needs to open his eyes a little to see it. There's been a little piece of Mommy there all along.

* * *

Grandpa John smiled at me after he helped me finish it. That same smile Dean has when he's trying to hide tears that never fall anywhere but deep inside. I couldn't help but reach over and hug him tight. "It's okay Grandpa." I told him, and he just laughed.

"I know it is kiddo."

"Why do you look so sad then?"

"I was just thinking… that I would've liked to have met your Mom before she died. The way you talk about her, write about her… she was a real special lady Cody."

And that made me feel real good. It meant that I'd done it right.

"She really was Grandpa."

"And Cody, don't worry about Dean. After reading this… he'll understand that he's something special too."

"I sure hope so."

Even still, just to make sure I added a little something to my journal. A picture that nobody even knew I had. I just hoped it would be enough.

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	10. Chapter 10

_Hey guys! I know its been an obscenely long time since I've updated this and I'm really sorry it's taken so long to get back to it. Good news is that the muse is back and she's got lots to say. I've got a short but sweet little update of a chapter for you all here and a few ideas for the next couple of chapters so there'll be another update or two in the next few days. Thanks for being so patient guys and I hope you all enjoy the next bit!_

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He woke in a cold sweat…another ratty hotel room, another lumpy queen sized bed with scratchy sheets, another god-awful soul shattering nightmare. Rhea…oh god, Rhea. Gone. Because of him. Air…he needed air…needed to get away from these four walls that felt like they were closing in on him.

Dean wasn't really sure how he got there, it was a bit of a blur really. Lack of sleep did that to you. All he knew was that he was now sitting on the hood of his Impala in nothing but his boxer briefs, a t-shirt and his scuffed up biker boots. Yeah, he was a mess alright.

They'd spent the day walking Cody through Rhea's childhood and what little they knew about Cody's dad. What he did know wasn't much, pulled from the dozen or so books filled with her writing that he'd found in her room the day after her death. Diaries. One a year since she'd turned ten. It was enough to give Cody a pretty detailed idea of what it had been like for her as a little girl.

Tomorrow…tomorrow they'd stop at Cody's old school, his daycare…Rhea's work… God, the _graveyard_, and then the house. _We're coming home Rhea. Almost there. We'd be there now except that I'm so goddamn weak I just can't face it. I'm so sorry baby. So sorry I failed you._

Flashes of that night danced behind closed eyes. Head in hands, elbows on knees and he was so close to just falling apart. Felt himself losing the fight even as the motel door opened ahead of him.

"M'fine dude."

"Yeah. Right. I can see that."

Great. Well he knew Sam wouldn't believe him but couldn't he let it go just this once?

"Good. So now that you know I'm okay why don't you go on back in there and get some sleep? No use in both of us being up all night."

He had to try right? Unfortunately Sam wasn't going for it. Dean felt a nudge to his knee, a silent 'move over' so his brother could sit down next to him. Oh well, it was worth a try. He was too strung out to be able to fight it right now anyway. Maybe if he let Sam get what he wanted it would be over faster and he could go back to licking his wounds alone and in peace.

He could feel the car dip a little as Sam settled in. He'd never admit it, not in a million years, but the heat of Sam's arm where it just barely touched Dean's was a small comfort. Made him feel a little less alone.

"So… you want to tell me why you're out here in you're boxers and boots in the middle of the night?"

"Isn't it obvious? M' tryin' to catch a tan, Adams family style."

Sam's soft chuckle made him feel a little better. Not much, but a little… and not for long either.

"Nightmare?"

It wasn't a question. Sam knew damn well why he was out there. Dean didn't need to answer.

"You ever gonna let it out Dean? You ever gonna talk about them?"

Sam watched as he huffed out a heartbroken sigh.

"Nothin' to talk about Sammy." _This one's mine to carry. _

"It's not your fault Dean. None of it ever was." Sam's voice was soft and sure, filled with the kind of conviction only the innocent ever had.

"Mmhm." Only it was his fault. Nothing Sam ever said would change that.

He knew… knew that Dean didn't believe him. Knew that nothing he would ever say could change that. That was something Dean had to figure out for himself. Sam just hoped that he'd get around to it soon, before all that guilt he was carrying crushed him.

They spent the rest of the night there, forging two identical little dents in the hood of the Impala that Dean would say nothing about in the morning. In a few days Dean would fix them like he did every year and never mention how they got there. For now though he was happy just to sit quietly and not be quite as alone as he really felt.

Sometime near dawn Sam stood up and took a walk to grab them a couple of coffees. They'd be living off the stuff for the next couple of days. Dean to keep the nightmares at bay and Sam because he wouldn't leave Dean to do this alone. Not even to sleep.

As the first rays of light tinted the edge of the horizon with an orange glow the motel room door opened again. A pajamaed Cody came out and folded his frame into Dean's lap making the man smile as he wrapped both arms around the boy. This too was a yearly tradition. Three of them watching the sun rise from the hood of the Impala. Dean's chin resting on the top of Cody's head, Sam's long body sprawled comfortably next to them. Each of them enjoying the moment of respite before things got difficult again. One thing was for sure…it was going to be a long, long day.

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